On the last day of my very long drinking career, I had what I now refer to as a spiritual awakening dream that lead me to my first recovery meeting, and subsequently saved my life.
It was an extraordinarily profound dream…..
I was about to leave for my first day of a new job. I climbed into my car – a Lexus (which in real life I do not own) wearing a fancy designer suit and very high heels (never owned either). I glanced at the highlighted route on an old fashioned road map as I turned out of the driveway of my mansion (which is not real life either). It perplexed me that I felt strange in the suit…. and the car. It didn’t feel like me, yet in the dream this was definitely me. All glitz and glam. I felt more rushed then eager for my first day of a new high powered job.
At first, my journey was smooth and uneventful. However, it did not take long for my travels to turn chaotic and confusing. In other words, the trip to get to my new job became drastically out of control; incredibly unmanageable. After missing exits and going the wrong direction, I veered off the freeway onto an unfamiliar area so that I would avoid a deadly collision on the highway.
That is when I lost all control. My car was moving at lightening speed on a dirt path with many dangerous hills and curves. I was in the drivers seat but no longer the driver. After what seemed like an eternity, I arrived at a building which was under construction. I knew I was not at my job, yet I walked in because hundreds of soldiers directed me to do so.
These soldiers were everywhere. They were shouting at me, telling me where to go.
I was instructed to walk across pipes (in those really high heals) and jump upward onto a platform on every floor. I finally made it to the top of this incredibly tall unfinished tower.
I was lead towards a glass elevator that looked more like a transparent tank. After stepping in, I felt myself being lowered.
Suddenly, liquid pooled around my feet and quickly filled the elevator or “tank” as I was being lowered. I was stunned. I could not scream for help. I tried, but only silent screams came out. The water was filling the tank quickly and in an instant I was fully submerged, unable to breath.
I woke in my bed gasping for air. I realized that I was holding my breath as I dreamt of being drowned. I couldn’t move. My mind replayed the scene of being submerged and drowning. I was drowning …. in alcohol!
Fiercely hungover from my usual 3 bottles of Pinot the night before, I continued to gasp for air, and dry heave, then, vomit.
When I finished, I heard my son calling for me. Eyes pinched closed from the pounding in my head I gingerly dragged myself to his room. I laid my sick body next to his and heard him sing.
“Hi Mommy!” He smiled.
I began to sob. I wanted to stop because it made my hangover headache worse. It was impossible to do so. My boy watched me confused. He had just been diagnosed with Autism and his ability to respond to emotions were not yet developed.
I wept. “What am I doing to my sons?” I thought. What am doing to my husband? What am doing to myself? What am I doing??!!!!”
As I lay there weeping, I once again, succumbed to the heaviness in my bones like I had in that water filled tank in my dream. I was overwhelmed by fear and loneliness. I did not know what to do. I knew that this pattern, this insane pattern of waking every morning puking and hungover, HAD to stop.
How could I live another day like this? But how could I live every day with out drinking?
And in that moment of complete utter desperation, I had a thought pop into my head. “Go to the computer and google local recovery meetings.” Oddly, I was overwhelmed with a sense of hope. The heaviness in bones began to dissipate. I felt lighter-like a weight was lifted off my back.
I attended my very first recovery meeting that evening and knew I landed in a place that would save my life. And it has.
Photo credit of building: Instagram- @industrialabandoned
Photo credit of land: Instagram- @wondersofourplanet