When I Drank Alcohol….

When I drank alcohol, I loved how it made me feel.

When I drank alcohol, I felt more secure.

When I drank alcohol, it made social occasions more interesting.

When I drank alcohol, I felt more interesting to others in social situations.

When I drank alcohol, I felt like I was more accepted by others.

When I drank alcohol, I felt others were more comfortable around me.

When I drank alcohol, I felt I was funny.

When I drank alcohol, I felt included.

When I drank alcohol, I numbed out.

When I drank alcohol, it helped me forget my worries.

When I drank alcohol, I had judgements and resentments.

When I drank alcohol, I never enjoyed just one glass of wine.

When I drank alcohol, I could never drink just one glass of wine.

When I drank alcohol, I tried very hard to just drink one glass of wine.

When I drank alcohol, I would sometimes “take a break” from drinking.

When I drank alcohol, I wondered why I thought so much about drinking.

When I drank alcohol, I sought out those who drank like me, or more than me to ensure I was “not that bad.”

When I drank alcohol, I would wake up the morning after a night of drinking and hate feeling so sick.

When I drank alcohol, I would tell myself I would not drink today while nursing a hangover.

When I drank alcohol, I rarely, if ever, carried out that promise to myself.

When I drank alcohol, if I did carry out that promise, I was relieved because that meant I was not a problem drinker.

When I drank alcohol, I couldn’t wait until I could drink alcohol.

When I drank alcohol, I was annoyed when I wasn’t drinking alcohol.

When I drank alcohol, anything that got in the way of my drinking, irritated me.

When I drank alcohol, I wondered if people realized how much I drank.

When I drank alcohol, I wasn’t bored.

When I drank alcohol, I wanted to control everything.

When I drank alcohol, I felt out of control.

When I drank alcohol, I felt like a failure.

When I drank alcohol, I was afraid.

When I drank alcohol, I was very self-conscience.

When I drank alcohol, I thought everyone talked behind my back.

When I drank alcohol, I worried a lot.

When I drank alcohol, I got mad very easily.

When I drank alcohol, I was the victim.

When I drank alcohol, I resented how others could drink “normally.”

When I drank alcohol,

I felt ashamed;

I slept terribly;

I felt useless;

I felt worthless;

I felt pitiful;

I felt alone;

I felt heavy;

My body hurt;

I felt unimportant;

I was afraid I would die and

I was mad to wake up alive; but

I wanted to die.

I felt empty…and lost… and afraid. 

~ Alcohol was not working for me anymore~

Then I stopped drinking.

I asked for help.

I received help.

I started over.

I felt relief.

I felt nervous.

I felt excitement.

I felt angry.

I felt like a teenager.

I felt better.

I felt strange.

I felt healthier.

Music sounded better.

I thought more of others.

Colors were more vibrant.

When I stopped drinking, I lost weight.

I had more energy.

I cried a lot.

I started therapy.

I cried more

I learned why I drank.

I had more time.

I noticed things.

I dreamt a lot.

I lost some friends.

I made new friends.

I became a better friend.

I learned how to trust.

I fucked up.

I forgave myself.

Now that I have gotten sober:

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I accept my disease of alcoholism.

Things have changed.

Life got easier.

I am not afraid of dying.

I am not afraid of living.

I want to live.

I feel lighter.

I pay attention.

I listen more because I am not distracted by my own negative thoughts.

I want to help others.

I am responsible.

I apologize.

I love deeply.

I am not angry.

I am calm.

I am not perfect.

I am ok with not being perfect.

I have faith.

I hold space for uncomfortable feelings.

I have deep and meaningful relationships with family and friends.

I try my best.

I am grateful.

I live one day at a time.

I am free.

11 thoughts on “When I Drank Alcohol….

  1. Anonymous

    I read every word…you walked me through how you felt and feel…I am in awe….I respect your difficult journey and wonder if I could ever be that brave. Thanks for sharing. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I saw you had posted on Twitter and finally got a chance to listen…

    O
    M
    G
    !

    Every single word you said and every word you wrote here, resonated so closely that I felt your voice was my own, inside my head.
    I know I’m new in sobriety again, but the light you showed at the end of the episode was EVERYTHING I want to feel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so profoundly moved by your message!! 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻 your response is exactly why I started this podcast . I had a longing in my soul whispering the need to give away what I have experienced in the hopes it may inspire others to love themselves so much that they are willing to surrender to the disease of alcoholism. I will keep you in my daily prayers that you continue to see the beautiful and amazing light of sobriety 🙏🏻💫🔥.
      If you ever want to connect and talk , email me at sobergratitudes@gmail.com

      Liked by 1 person

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