For most of my life, I loved drinking alcohol more than doing anything else.
My first “drunk” was at a party with some friends when I was barely a teenager. I fell in love with the sensation of this magical liquid drug pumping through my veins. It melted away my anxiety and helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. It helped me forget about a variety of traumas I endured as a little girl. It quieted the voices in my head that said “you are a burden,” you aren’t good enough,” or “you aren’t smart enough,” “you are too sensitive,” “you don’t fit in.”
Drinking was my liquid confidence. Drinking made me feel right. Drinking made me feel safe. Drinking made it easier to keep secrets- Shameful, embarrassing and heart wrenching secrets.
So, there it was, I was 14 and found my life partner. My partner would ultimately help me manage through life and do what I felt was expected of me.
For many years, I tried hard to live a seemingly normal life. I succeeded by most accounts. Over the years, however, I became increasingly aware of the fact that my dependency on alcohol affected my mental, physical and spiritual health. It effected my relationships with others and myself. A low self-esteem issue became a full blown self -loathing & self- hatred war. I felt I was worthless, useless and that nobody loved me.
It didn’t matter how “normal” my life looked from the outside, because inside, I was living in Hell. It was utterly exhausting keeping up the appearance that I was “ok,” while deep down I was suffering.
At 39 years of age, I wanted to die. I had been drinking daily now for several years. Every day. Every fucking day. Every morning I woke up, I was hungover and livid that God didn’t take me in my sleep. Then I would tell myself I would quit drinking, but by 3pm I popped the cork and dove into Liquid Hell…again. Over and over and over.
I was living in a nightmare, too ashamed to tell anyone about.
But one night in the Spring of 2012 – incredibly, and some would say, unbelievably- I had an extraordinarily profound dream. It was a long dream that ended with me being drowned in a huge vat of alcohol. I woke up gasping for air. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I was frozen in disbelief. I knew the dream was a message. This dream could not have been more literal. I was drowning myself in alcohol.
I was dying.
After that dream, a new thought popped into my head. It told me to google local AA meetings. It was the first time I ever had that thought. I walked into a meeting that evening and found “my people.” I cried the entire time I sat with them. They were speaking my language. I didn’t know any of them, but it felt like I had met them all before. I found a family I was longing for my entire life.
I was home.
Since that day, I have fought my ass off to heal. I realized that my life meant something. I didn’t know what that was for a while, but came to understand that my mission in life would be to help others by sharing my story.
That dream saved my life. If you want to read about the dream in greater detail, go to A life saving dream
I am 47 years old and have not had a drop of alcohol in since August of 2012.
Recovery gave me peace.
Recovery gave me the chance to live a life worth saving.
Listen to my story here:
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