How I Got Sober
...and stay sober
The first time I ever drank alcohol, I got wasted. I was 14 and despite getting violently ill, I could not wait to drink again. Drinking medicated my acute undiagnosed anxiety. It helped me feel more comfortable in my skin. Over time, alcohol remedied my low self-esteem and silenced traumatic experiences. I felt powerful and cool as an adolescent drinker. I knew alcohol would always be in my life. Decades later, after having a family of my own, my life began to worsen in many ways. The worse my life became, the more I drank. The more I drank, the more I wanted to die.
For many years, I lived a seemingly normal life. I succeeded by most accounts. But I was always trying to quit or control my drinking on my own. After having children, I became increasingly aware of the fact that my dependency on alcohol affected my mental, physical, and spiritual health. It effected my relationships with others and myself. A low self-esteem issue became a full-blown self -loathing & self- hatred war. I questioned why I existed in the world.
It did not matter how “normal” my life looked from the outside, because inside, I was living in Hell. It was utterly exhausting keeping up the appearance that I was “ok,” while deep down I was suffering.
By 39 years of age, I wanted to die. I had been drinking daily now for two years. I did not dare share this secret with anyone. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I could not control my drinking. Every morning I woke up hungover, I would tell myself "Ok, today's the day I will stop!!" But by 3pm I popped the cork and dove into “Liquid Hell” …again. Over and over and over. I truly wanted to stop by this point. Doing so felt like a total impossibility. Leave my "life partner"? How would I cope with out it? How could I enjoy life without it? I was confused, irritable, angry at myself that my inner life was out of control- and I was beginning to understand it was because of my drinking.
By some miracle or Grace from God, one night in the Spring of 2012 – I had an extraordinarily profound dream that ended with me being deliberately drowned in a huge vat of liquid. I woke up gasping for air. Today, I know that dream was Devine intervention- I finally saw that I was literally drowning myself in alcohol.
When I woke, I lay frozen in utter deflation. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I felt lost and afraid. But a new thought popped into my head: "google local recovery meetings". I attended my first meeting that night, fearful but hopeful at the same time. Maybe this is the answer, I thought. In the meeting, I heard others share their stories of addiction and recover and I identified with all of them. I started to feel hopeful about my future. I felt less alone and ready to let others help me; I was willing to change.
Since that day, May 9th, 2012, my life has transformed in miraculous ways. My journey in sobriety continues to unfold because I am always willing to do the right thing with an open heart. I finally believed I am important and that my life matters. I stay sober by helping others with stories of recovered alcoholics and daily doses of hope on my podcast, Sober Gratitudes on Apple Podcasts I do service work in my hometown area. I also serve on The Board of Directors at a local non-profit addiction & treatment home for women in Morristown, NJ. Mrs. Wilson's Addiction Treatment Center for Women & Halfway House for Drug & Alcohol Recovery Rehab - Morristown, NJ | Home (mrs-wilsons.org)
I am grateful that the obsession to drink has been lifted and I found the courage to do the inner work to reach emotional sobriety. I live a more peaceful life, free of chaos, conflict, and toxic relationships. I am a better wife, mother, friend and friend to myself. I have a solution to live life more comfortably and more authentically. I am living a life true to myself. If I drink, I will lose everything. Life is amazing today, why would I go back to the hell I was living?
I am grateful I got a second chance to live a more comfortable life where I get to help others and be the kind of person that I always wished I could be.
You can do this too! I believe you came across my website for a reason. You know what that reason is. Believe it is possible and see how your willingness to change and allowing others to help you may just help you get a second chance to live a life free of sickness and suffering, conflict and drama.
I hope you reach out and connect. You are important to me; you are important in this world.
~Sarah Elizabeth
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@sobergratitudespodcast | Linktree